Urinals are Weird

I am quite sure that the women who read this post (just kidding, there are none) do not understand the basic functionality of the weirdness of the apparatus in the mens bathroom known as the urinal.

"But you get to pee standing up, you guys don's have to wipe or anything."

Um, false. I am not sure who invented the urinal and to be frank, I don't want to. In theory its a great invention. Who doesn't want an essentially waterless toilet stuck on the wall. Its all the things a man wants, no seat flipping, no wiping down the rim post mis-fire, not to mention the water that is saved. However there is one glaring malfunction with urinal that is often overlooked. It is summarized in what i have deemed the "splatter effect."

Where one chooses to aim when approaching the urinal is of utmost importance. The amateur urinal-er will probably choose what most would assume the safest most obvious spot; the puddle of water located at the bottom of the urinal. Let me say this to those who decide to "lay up" and go for the puddle...WRONG!!! Looks accommodating right? It's not, and this is where the urinal creator really screwed us. As soon as you go for what you assume is the obvious spot, you will get a backsplash that will make it appear as if you walked through a knee-high mist.

The intermediate urinal-er will know that the puddle causes a lot of problems and look for other places to shoot for, but where? The urinal doesn't provide a lot of spots for relief, therefore the amateur urinal-er will avoid the puddle at all costs and do one of two things.

a) Will try to go high off the back wall, hoping for an almost inverse splatter effect, and will get the ammo running down the back wall safely. Not a bad option, but still, the backsplash is not enviable.

b) Will try and back up, making a beautiful urine rainbow into the toilet. Now this is pure brilliance if you are the only one the in the bathroom and the guy after you is not barefooted.

The truth is no one really knows how to properly use the urinal. Despite all of my research and interviews, no one really has a good answer for me, therefore I demand a recall of all urinals so that us men can finally pee in peace. We should be allowed to have respite at the urinal. It should be a place of harmony and meditation and not a festival of knee high urine-mist.