When You Know Your Blog Sucks

There comes a time for every blog writer (...you know, a blogger) when he or she comes to a fork in the road of their blog writing career. The fork represents not so much a choice in the blogger, but rather the fate of the blog. So I guess the blog comes to a fork in the road (whatever). Anywho, this fork isn't three pronged like every fork I've ever seen (which still confuses me why a "fork in the road", simply splits two ways, left and right, and not three, left, right and straight, but thats for another post that no one will read all together. I mean shouldn't it be like "when you come to the prong in the road" etc etc) I'm getting sidetracked. So the blog comes to a fork in the road (this isn't the start of joke, well not unless you consider this blog one). So two tracks for the blog, a ton of followers and awesomeness or a few paragraphs sitting by themselves in some corner of the internet no one knows exists. This blog is aiming for the latter.

Ok, so here are a few key ways to know for a fact that your blog suuuuuucks.

a) No pictures or videos (check)

b)You have one commenter (thanks mom!)

c) Said commenter doesn't even have your url and or blog saved as a favorite (thanks again mom!)

Today a conversation with my biggest fan and sole commenter occurred via text and went a little something like this:

Me: Ps...new blog post

Mom: What's the URL (Ed. Note: She has read all (3) of the posts, so yeah, she's seen it, maybe she's just forgetting on purpose)

Me: Jesus mom, u think u would have it saved

Mom: I know that u think that all i do all day is ruminate about u and your doings but i don't

Me:Hahaha, but I would think when ur only son makes something u seem to enjoy u would atleast do like 2 key strokes and save it

Mom:Hey, I've saved every piece of crap you've ever made. What's the URL? I'll save it this time (Ed. Note: I think she basically inferred that I make a lot of crap, and she's saved it, and this blog is so bad she won't save it, ipso facto, its worse than crap)

Me: Hahahahahha....drivingwithelephants.blogspot.com

Ps...this is so getting blogged about

Mom: Good. Be sure to mention my company name (Ed Note:*cough*Hurley Write Inc*cough*)

e) tons of support from your fans, by like remembering your blog name and all that

d) the only follower of your blog is yourself

e) less than 20 views (most by myself I'm sure)

f) sympathy comments due to a post about how your blog doesn't get any views

I'm boxing out a nice little corner of the unknown internet for myself

Urinals are Weird

I am quite sure that the women who read this post (just kidding, there are none) do not understand the basic functionality of the weirdness of the apparatus in the mens bathroom known as the urinal.

"But you get to pee standing up, you guys don's have to wipe or anything."

Um, false. I am not sure who invented the urinal and to be frank, I don't want to. In theory its a great invention. Who doesn't want an essentially waterless toilet stuck on the wall. Its all the things a man wants, no seat flipping, no wiping down the rim post mis-fire, not to mention the water that is saved. However there is one glaring malfunction with urinal that is often overlooked. It is summarized in what i have deemed the "splatter effect."

Where one chooses to aim when approaching the urinal is of utmost importance. The amateur urinal-er will probably choose what most would assume the safest most obvious spot; the puddle of water located at the bottom of the urinal. Let me say this to those who decide to "lay up" and go for the puddle...WRONG!!! Looks accommodating right? It's not, and this is where the urinal creator really screwed us. As soon as you go for what you assume is the obvious spot, you will get a backsplash that will make it appear as if you walked through a knee-high mist.

The intermediate urinal-er will know that the puddle causes a lot of problems and look for other places to shoot for, but where? The urinal doesn't provide a lot of spots for relief, therefore the amateur urinal-er will avoid the puddle at all costs and do one of two things.

a) Will try to go high off the back wall, hoping for an almost inverse splatter effect, and will get the ammo running down the back wall safely. Not a bad option, but still, the backsplash is not enviable.

b) Will try and back up, making a beautiful urine rainbow into the toilet. Now this is pure brilliance if you are the only one the in the bathroom and the guy after you is not barefooted.

The truth is no one really knows how to properly use the urinal. Despite all of my research and interviews, no one really has a good answer for me, therefore I demand a recall of all urinals so that us men can finally pee in peace. We should be allowed to have respite at the urinal. It should be a place of harmony and meditation and not a festival of knee high urine-mist.

The English Language...You Can Use it Too

I feel like I'm a fairly sympathetic person. I try to understand the lives people lead, and why they do certain things. Sometimes I even go as far as to give a person the benefit of the doubt, although I admit, it is sometimes rare. Which brings me to my latest frustration. Sometimes the use of a particular word, or the way someone uses the word will just drive me into a frenzy. Sometimes when the word "chatted" is used repeatedly, I get very irritated. I'm weird, I know.

Its not that the words themselves bother me, its when they are used exclusively with no synonym in sight that I get bothered. Take today for instance. I was working with this very nice lady, who seemed to be intelligent enough and well spoken enough to engage in a conversation (my assessment skills must have fallen by the wayside.) Over the course of our conversation, said lady used the phrase, "and I was like woooow" repeatedly in the conversation. And I don't want to use the word repeatedly to confuse the reader into thinking that it was used 5 times in the course of our 25 minute car ride. I don't even want to trick the reader into thinking I'm using the word "repeatedly" to say she said the phrase 10 times over the course of a 25 minute car ride. She said the phrase LITERALLY 21 times ( I know because I counted....no seriously, at one point I thought I was caught because I used the ever so effective method of finger counting like a 5 year old, as if counting in my head was out of the question.) Anywho, she used the phrase almost once a minute, "and I was like woooow."

Part of me was just plain amazed at how she used that simple phrase to express herself in a variety of different situations:

Amazement: "and I was like wooooow"

Fear: "and I was like wooooow"

Anger: "and I was like woooow"

Confusion: "and I was like woooow"

And I was like wow: "and I was like wooooow"

Atleast she used it correctly once.

Bi-Polar...do i have it?

Today I wanted to start talking, mainly to myself because no one reads this blog...........yet (insert count chocula laugh here) about my perceived self diagnosis of my own bi-polar disorder*.

Lets start with an example, I went to Costa Rica, lets see 6 weeks ago, and despite all the landscape pics I took (no seriously) while I was trying to be "artsy," and the clever self pic shots (gotta hide that arm son!) I attempted while trying to look hard and in shape (didn't happen) I have managed to post roughly 0 pics...give or take 0.

The only pics anyone has seen to date of ME+Costa Rica is through facebook from a girl my friends and I met, who is from Carroll County, VA. Where is that? It doesnt matter, all that matters is the fact that the girl has electricity (surprised?) and internet (more surprised?don'tgive her too much credit she might work in a starbucks and therefore have daily access to wi-fi, boom, my laziness is now justified) we haven't confirmed whether it was high speed or not, but im taking the under.

Back to my point, in 6 weeks, I haven't posted a single pic despite the begging of my mother to see her son in said pics with a fu man chu with $7 cvs aviators on taking out zip-line tour guides (i didn't see him give me the "if you don't slow down you're going to dominate my chest with your knee" gesture. Google it, its legit. Basically a man stands with his arms by his side and a big ass dude on a zip line, me, puts said knee, into the tour guides chest). Some of my best excuses for not posting pics are the following:

I was going to but:

-I didn't have time to put on pants

-I burnt my PB and J (don't ask, it has to do with a trash can and a naked fireman...discuss)

-I couldnt find my apartment? F!!!!

So as you can see I got some pretty legit excuses. I mean, not being able to find your apartment sucks, ask a homeless dude. I don't see them posting pics either. I rest my case.

So point of the story is this. Most days I don't feel like doing much, easy tasks, difficult tasks, it doesn't much matter. I just don't take the bait, that's how "The Man" wins.

So I gave you an extreme example of my current, sometimes apathetic ordeal. Conversely, sometimes Ill have weeks like this.

-Get a physical (balls are a go!)

-Get my car inspected

-Go to court to get out of tickets (that's right, get OUT of tickets)

-Get dry cleaning done

-Get a slurpee (a man needs refreshment!)

-Put a license plate onto an old lady's car (i should explain, my car sometimes gets called an old lady's car...oh you already got it...sick)

-And a bunch of other stuff that involved not being in my apartment (i included this line to make it seem like I did a lot more because as soon as I started making this list I realized that I didn't really do that much and therefore made this whole post relatively pointless.....im off to an awesome start)

I gotta go post some pics.....

*i don't think bi-polar dis-order is funny....unless its used as an over dramatic expression of my rather mild situation